Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt.

An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards quicker than he can lower them.

When I was growing up my doctor said drugs will kill you. Now my doctor tells me you need 'em to live. My doctor has become my dealer now, and is a lot harder to get ahold of.

The Chinese make everything! Even the 'Free Tibet' stickers.

Who the fuck came up with the idea of polygamy?! Who was having a marriage going: "My one marriage isn't going too well, I'd like to double down"? Even if you're married to a blind and a deaf girl, they will communicate and tell you you're an asshole! Who wants more than one strong opinion, you idiot. I've been married to several women, but in sequence. In marriage there are penalties for early withdrawal and depositing in another account, remember that.

They ask African marathon runners, "Are you on drugs?" 'No, I'm looking for food.'

I need coffee for 2 reasons in the morning. 1, to jump start my mind; and the 2nd reason, to kick start my colon. You know that's true! You have one cup of coffee and your asshole's going: Fire in the hole! Open the door! Even the dog's going: he's leaking methane, stay back! Nobody smoke near the old man. And then I realise, wait a minute, I'm leaking methane. I'm my own fuel source. How about this for a new car: the Ford Colon. How about that! Here's the ad: me in a t-shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I'm Robin Williams. I've just had a burrito and I'm gonna drive all across America. Fuck green, go brown. Your kids think you're an asshole: use it!

I was at a German talk show once, and if you ever get a chance, do it. And the woman asked: "Why do you think there isn't so much comedy in Germany?" And I said: "Do you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

There are 3 ways to find out if you're an alcoholic:
#1: You wake up, are fully dressed and go: "Who shit in my pants?"
#2: You're on the highway going: why are these people going the wrong way?
#3: You're looking for Indian food and end up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls.

No matter who's going to be elected, he should be bringing a shovel and a broom because there's a lot of shit to clean up.

And Honda has a car now that'll park itself. I'm like: where were you when I was drinking?!

As an alcoholic you don't really have a blackout. It's more like sleepwalking with activities. My conscious will go: "I have to go now, but I'll leave the dick on. Enjoy."

And I was at a Starbucks once with all these girls were text messaging each other and finally one looked up and said: "I know. L-O-L"

And in the debates they finally spoke in full sentences again, because for the past 8 years it's been like the Special Olympics of politics.

What's Bush gonna do when he's out of office? He can't go on a speaking tour, that's a given.

What's the definition of porn? Roman Polanski said it best: "Erotic is when you use the feather, pornography is when you use the whole chicken."

Giving people tax rebates and then saying the economy is sound because they might spend it is like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise.

Restless leg syndrome, what the fuck is that? A tendency to break out into Riverdance?