Summary

When Richard Martin introduces a robot named Andrew to the family, nobody expects anything more than a ordinary household appliance. But this is no ordinary robot. Andrew is a unique machine with real emotions, a sense of humor and a burning curiosity to discover what it really means to be human. Over the course of his service with the Martins, spanning 200 years and several generations, Andrew discovers much about the intricacies of life and love, and finds there are many things he can teach as well as learn.

Quotes

Andrew
Could you teach one to tell a joke?
Sir
Well, let's see. Uhm. Two drunks walk into a bar--
Andrew
Wouldn't two drunks walk out of a bar, Sir? You walk into a bar to drink, and you come out drunk.

Andrew
May one, Sir? Is now a good time?
Ma'am
What? A good time for what?
Andrew
Last night, Sir taught--
Sir
No, no, don't blame me, just go ahead.
Andrew
Thank you, Sir. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it. What is a brunette between two blondes? Translator. You know why blind people don't like to skydive? It scares their dogs. A man with dementia is driving on the freeway. His wife calls him on the phone and says: "Sweetheart, I heard there's someone driving the wrong way on the freeway." He says, "One? There's hundreds!" What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. There must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area? A woman goes to a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Mind if I numb your breasts?" "Not at all." "Num, num, num, num, num." One did it, Sir.
Sir
And it was fine, but we might want to talk about appropriateness and timing.
Andrew
It's 10:15, Sir.

Andrew
I want to seek out my own kind. In order to understand my destiny, I must know if there's another like myself. North Am Robotics will not return my inquiries. And now you've finally passed the bar, Lloyd, I want you to sue them for information of the whereabouts of all NDR-series robots. If you don't mind.
Lloyd
The Freedom of Information Act doesn't quite cover suits by robots.
Little Miss
Not yet.
Lloyd
Mother, I'm a very busy man. I do not have time to help... it... pursue some ridiculous lawsuit.
Little Miss
Lloyd, sweetheart, I do love you. But sometimes I have to wonder if you really are my child.
Lloyd
Well, that's mutation, Mother. The miracle of genetics is: I'm not you.
Little Miss
No, you've always been more like your father.
Andrew
So that's why you divorced him.
Lloyd
Sorry. Andrew, what would you do if I got the information on these other NDRs?
Andrew
I would seek them out. Each and every one.
Lloyd
So you'd be gone for quite a long time.
Andrew
Oh, yes. Several years, if not more, if my calculations are correct.
Lloyd
I'd love to help you.
Andrew
Did he not breast-feed?

Andrew
They die? One feels badly for them.

Sir
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew
One does not know, Sir. Possibly there was a predator behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side, if it was a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or, depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir
To get to the other side.
Andrew
To get to the other side. Ah, why is that funny?

Andrew
People actually do this, Sir?
The whole process, it sounds so... messy.

Andrew
One understands why some animals eat their young.

Andrew
Hello, Sir. Would you care to hear "The Three Laws of Robotics?" It's said to be a most entertaining presentation.
Sir
Okay, sure.
Andrew
Will you please step back, Sir, to maximize presentation?
Sir
All right.
Andrew
First Law of Robotics: A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, cause a human being to come to harm. Second Law: A robot must obey all human orders except where those orders come in conflict with the First Law. Third Law: A robot must protect itself so long as doing so does not conflict with the first two laws.
Sir
Andrew, don't ever do that again.
Andrew
Of course not, Sir. It is a one time only.

Portia
I didn't expect to see you.
Andrew
Mmh. I remember this place very well. This is where your grandmother was married.
Portia
Yeah, I wanted it ready for my own wedding.
Andrew
So you're not married yet?
Portia
No, two weeks from Saturday.
Andrew
I'm not too late. Are you positive you're doing the right thing?
Portia
Positive.
Andrew
About getting married?
Portia
I'm never absolutely positive about anything.
Andrew
So, you could be doing the wrong thing.
Portia
No, I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing.
Andrew
Great.
Portia
Why is that great?
Andrew
Well, in your apartment, you told me to do the wrong thing. Now, you aren't doing the wrong thing, you're doing the right thing. Safe to say, you're not following your own advice, 'cause if you were you would definitely not be marrying this man Charles.
Portia
Because I would be doing the right thing.
Andrew
Precisely.
Portia
In some strange way, you're starting to make sense.
Andrew
Good. Do you have any idea what it's like to be in love with someone who's about to marry someone else? Someone who's totally magnificent? Someone who walks into a room and lights it up like the sun? Someone who you know is lying to herself?
Portia
Lying?
Andrew
Convincingly, yeah. Very, very much so.
Portia
About what?
Andrew
That you don't love me when I know in at least some way, you do.
Portia
And how do you know that?
Andrew
Portia, I've done everything inside and out.
Portia
That stuff doesn't matter to me.
Andrew
Well, something matters. Because If I'm to believe nothing mattered, you'd love me and not some man whose chin could sink the Titanic. What? See? It's true. Isn't it?
I'm sorry. Does he light you up like this? Does he make you laugh?
Portia
Nobody makes me laugh like this.
Andrew
Good. Then admit it. Admit that you love me.
Portia
Oh.
Andrew
Give me one kiss.
Portia
Oh, God.
Andrew
That's all. One quick kiss. Just one kiss could not jeopardise a glorious marriage. Besides, it would also explain why your pulse just jumped from 66 to 102 beats per minute. Your respiratory rate has doubled. You're putting out clouds of pheromones, Portia.
Portia
It's not fair to read me like that.
Andrew
I know. Love isn't fair. I'm reading your heart. I'm asking you to follow it. Begging you. Begging is supposed to be humiliating. I don't care. I love you, Portia. I loved you the very first moment I saw you.
Portia
I thought you said a quick kiss.
Andrew
I lied!

Sir
Andrew, did you really make this?
Andrew
Yes, Sir.
Sir
A robot cannot tell a lie, Andrew.
Andrew
That is not entirely correct, Sir. One could lie if one were ordered to lie... or if it were necessary to tell someone truth in order to keep a human being from harm... or for one's own safety in jeopardy.

Andrew
I know you don't like me. Well, I don't like you either. I just want to make that clear.
Portia
Couldn't you be more clear if you spat in my face?
Andrew
I can't. I don't have a mucous gland.
Would it be possible to have a slightly longer conversation?
May my canine companion enter also? Thank you.
Is this your sculpture?
Portia
No, I'm restoring it. I'm a preservation architect.
Andrew
It's quite horrendous. How ugly was it before you restored it?
Portia
Listen, first you get mad at me, because of how I look.
Andrew
Mm-hmm.
Portia
Tonight you show up at my door, announce that you don't like me, and then you criticize my work.
Andrew
Once again, I apologise for telling the truth, but it can't be helped. It's my programming.

Andrew
It's cruel that you can cry and I cannot. There's a terrible pain I cannot express. Will every human being that I care for... just leave?
Portia
I'm afraid so.
Andrew
That won't do.

Andrew
What a piece of fecal matter.
Rupert
"Shit."
Andrew
Excuse me?
Rupert
What a piece of shit.
Andrew
I know that.
Rupert
No, that's what you say when you're frustrated, you say, "piece of shit."
Andrew
Piece of shit.
Rupert
Yes, but--but with feeling.
Andrew
Oh. What a piece of shit.
Rupert
More.
Andrew
What a piece of shit!
Rupert
Good, very good.
Andrew
Thank you.