andrew
I want to seek out my own kind. In order to understand my destiny, I must know if there’s another like myself. North Am Robotics will not return my inquiries. And now you’ve finally passed the bar, Lloyd, I want you to sue them for information of the whereabouts of all NDR-series robots. If you don’t mind.
lloyd
The Freedom of Information Act doesn’t quite cover suits by robots.
ma'am
Not yet.
ma'am
Mother, I’m a very busy man. I do not have time to help it, pursue some ridiculous lawsuit.
ma'am
Lloyd, sweetheart, I do love you. But sometimes I have to wonder if you really are my child.
lloyd
Well, that’s mutation, Mother. The miracle of Genetics is: I’m not you.
ma'am
No, you’ve always been more like your father.
andrew
So that’s why you divorced him.
lloyd
Sorry. Andrew, what would you do if I got the information on these other NDRs?
andrew
I would seek them out. Each and every one.
lloyd
So you’d be gone for quit a long time.
andrew
Oh, yes. Several years, if not more, if my calculations are correct.
lloyd
I’d love to help you.
andrew
Did he not breast-feed?

andrew
They die? One feels badly for them.

sir
Why did the chicken cross the road?
andrew
One does not know, Sir. Possibly there was a predator behind the chicken, or, possibly there was a female chicken on the other side, if it was a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or, depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
sir
To get to the other side.
andrew
To get to the other side. Ah, why is that funny?

andrew
People actually do this, Sir?
The whole process, it sounds so...messy.

andrew
One understands why some animals eat their young.

andrew
Hello, Sir. Would you care to hear “The Three Laws of Robotics?” It’s said to be a most entertaining presentation.
sir
Okay, sure.
andrew
Will you please step back, Sir, to maximise presentation?
sir
All right.
andrew
First Law of Robotics: A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, cause a human being to come to harm. Second Law: A robot must obey all human orders except where those orders come in conflict with the First Law. Third Law: A robot must protect itself so long as doing so does not conflict with the first two laws.
sir
Andrew, don’t ever do that again.
andrew
Of course not, Sir. It is an one time only.

portia
I didn’t expect to see you.
andrew
Mmh. I remember this place very well. This is where your grandmother was married.
portia
Yeah, I wanted it ready for my own wedding.
andrew
So you’re not married yet?
portia
No, two weeks from Saturday.
andrew
I’m not too late. Are you positive you’re doing the right thing?
portia
Positive.
andrew
About getting married?
portia
I’m never absolutely positive about anything.
andrew
So, you could be doing the wrong thing.
portia
No, I’m pretty sure I’m doing the right thing.
andrew
Great.
portia
Why is that great?
andrew
Well, in your apartment, you told me to do the wrong thing. Now, you aren’t doing the wrong thing, you’re doing the right thing. Save to say, you’re not following your own advice, ‘cause if you were you were definitely not marrying this man Charles.
portia
Because I would be doing the right thing.
andrew
Precisely. In some strange way, you’re starting to make sense.
andrew
Good. Do you have any idea what’s be like to be in love with someone who’s about to marrying someone else? Someone who’s totally magnificent? Someone who walks into a room and lights it up like the sun? Someone who you know is lying to herself?
portia
Lying?
andrew
Convincingly, yeah. Very, very much so.
portia
About what?
andrew
That you don’t love me when I know in at least some way, you do.
portia
And how do you know that?
andrew
Portia, I’ve done everything inside and out.
portia
That stuff doesn’t matter to me.
andrew
Well, something matters. Because If I’ve to believe nothing mattered, you’d love me and not some man whose chin could sink the Titanic. What? See? It’s true. Isn’t it?
I’m sorry. Does he light you up like this? Does he make you laugh?
portia
Nobody makes me laugh like this.
andrew
Good. Then admit it. Admit that you love me.
portia
Oh.
andrew
Give me one kiss.
portia
Oh, God.
andrew
That’s all. One quick kiss. Just one kiss could not jeopardise a glorious marriage. Besides, it would also explain why your pulse just jumped from 66 to 102 beats per minute. Your respiratory is doubled. You’re putting out clouds of pheromones, Portia.
portia
It’s not fair read me like that.
andrew
I know. Love isn’t fair. I’m reading your heart. I’m asking you to follow it. Begging you. Begging is supposed to be humiliating. I don’t care. I love you, Portia. I loved you the very first moment I saw you.
portia
I thought you said a quick kiss.
andrew
I lied!

sir
Andrew, did you really make this?
andrew
Yes, Sir.
sir
A robot cannot tell a lie, Andrew.
andrew
That is not entirely correct, Sir. One could lie if one were ordered to lie…or if it were necessary to tell someone truth in order to keep a human being from harm...or for one’s own safety in jeopardy.

andrew
I know you don’t like me. Well, I don’t like you either. I just want to make that clear.
portia
Couldn’t you be more clear if you spat in my face?
andrew
I can’t. I don’t have a mucous gland.
Would it be possible to have a slightly longer conversation?
May my canine companion enter also? Thank you.
Is this your sculpture?
portia
No, I’m restoring it. I’m a preservation architect.
andrew
It’s quite horrendous. How ugly was it before you restored it?
portia
Listen, first you get mad at me, because of how I look.
andrew
Mmh-mm.
portia
Tonight you show me up at my door, announce that you don’t like and then you criticise my work.
andrew
Once again, I apologise for telling the truth, but I can’t be helped. It’s my programming.

andrew
It’s cruel that you can cry and I cannot. There’s a terrible pain I cannot express. Will every human being that I care for…just leave?
portia
I’m afraid so.
andrew
That won’t do.

andrew
What a piece of feacal matter.
rupert
“Shit.”
andrew
Excuse me?
rupert
What a piece of shit.
andrew
I know that.
rupert
No, that’s what you say when you’re frustrated, you say, “piece of shit.”
andrew
Piece of shit.
rupert
Yes, but—but with feeling.
andrew
Oh. What a piece of shit.
rupert
More.
andrew
What a piece of shit!
rupert
Good, very good.
andrew
Thank you.